S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B. Read online

‘It’s like watching a hyena devour a chicken. Or whatever hyenas eat.’ Archie pulled an uncertain face. ‘Didn’t you have breakfast before you left your house this morning?’

  Barney bobbed his head from side to side and twirled a hand while he chewed up his mouthful, then said, ‘Course I did. But that was nearly forty minutes ago.’

  ‘No wonder you were getting hungry again. It’s lucky you didn’t pass out on the way over here.’ Archie gestured at the monitor. ‘I tried replying but it wouldn’t let me.’

  Barney nodded wisely. ‘They’ve probably set up a number of ghost server nodes so they can’t be traced. Standard secret service diversionary tactics.’

  ‘Is that something that can actually happen or is it from one of your spy films?’

  ‘No, it’s real, honest,’ Barney insisted earnestly. ‘I saw it on Spooks.’

  ‘If you say so.’ Archie slung his rucksack over his shoulder. ‘Come on. It’s nearly quarter to and I don’t want to miss my rendezvous with the mysterious Agent X-ray, do I?’

  Archie strode purposefully along Cavendish Way, intrigued but half hoping he wasn’t walking into some sort of ambush. His pace slowed instinctively as he neared the junction with Ashdown Road.

  Suddenly someone grabbed his wrist from behind and pulled him into a rhododendron bush. He spun round to face his attacker, his pulse suddenly out of control.

  ‘Barney! What are you doing?’ he hissed.

  ‘This could be an ambush,’ whispered Barney. ‘I suggest we covertly surveil the hotzone.’

  Archie studied the street corner, which was deserted except for a young girl who was leaning against the street sign.

  ‘I don’t want to spoil your fun,’ Archie murmured, ‘but the zone in question doesn’t look especially hot. And I don’t think surveil is even a word.’

  Barney responded by holding a finger to his lips and pulling Archie down to a crouching position.

  The boys waited and watched in silence for ten minutes. No one else appeared except for an elderly lady walking a small dog, who crossed Cavendish Way and disappeared along Ashdown Road without pausing.

  ‘It looks like the leopard has ceased stalking the polar bear,’ whispered Barney at last.

  Archie turned to him and frowned. ‘What does that even mean?’

  ‘It’s code,’ Barney said. ‘You are the polar bear and whoever sent the message is the leopard. It means, “I don’t think they’re coming today,”’

  ‘Why can’t you just say that then?’ asked Archie.

  ‘What if we’re overheard – or being bugged? If we use code we won’t arouse suspicion.’

  ‘You’re right.’ Archie smiled. ‘After all, there’s nothing suspicious about a couple of schoolboys cowering in the bushes talking about leopards and polar bears who, incidentally, live on different continents. I bet MI6 would recruit us on the spot if we weren’t so darned elusive.’ He stepped out of the bushes and glanced left and right. ‘Polar bear to grizzly,’ he said, laughing. ‘You are clear to cease hibernation – the hunting season is over.’

  Then he turned and sprinted as Barney broke his cover and chased him down the street.

  A figure sat in a leather chair, dwarfed by a banked console that swept round him in a wide semicircle of dials, knobs and levers. Hunched over a keyboard, he tapped away frenetically, muttering conspiratorially to himself.

  ‘Let’s see who’s going to be my next volunteer,’ he mused. ‘Who’s going to sacrifice their own insignificant existence to benefit humankind? When I say humankind I do, of course, mean me. Although, to be honest, I’m only half human and I’m definitely not kind.’ His shoulders began to rock as he suppressed a chuckle. ‘In fact I’m quite inhuman and I’m positively despicable.’ Unable to contain his merriment any longer he threw back his head and unleashed a volley of evil laughter, each burst louder and longer than the last, like someone revving a motorbike.

  Eventually, wiping a tear from his one human eye, he looked round the room like a comedian expecting to feed off his audience’s adulation. But the only other figure in the cavernous chamber was a young man who was in some sort of trance – and cocooned inside a tall glass cylinder. The villain’s mirth was met with silence.

  In a moment his laughter stopped and he sat back in his chair and sighed heavily.

  ‘Well, no offence, Mr Ulrik, but you’re not exactly the life and soul of the party.’

  Two eyes stared out blankly from behind the glass.

  ‘This reminds me of the days I had to share a lab with Malcolm Battersby – possibly the dullest man ever to walk the earth. It wasn’t until a year after I’d secretly drugged him and given him a frontal lobotomy that people began to suspect he wasn’t all there – which was true because half of his brain was in the laboratory under my house. Do you see what I did there? They thought he wasn’t all there …’ His body convulsed with amusement but the fit was short-lived. He sighed again and blew air through his mouth, making his scaly lips flap. ‘I might as well talk to myself for all the appreciation I get round here. It wasn’t so bad when I had Pussy Galore to talk to but she had to go when my fur allergy flared up. I mean, it’s almost impossible to stroke a cat menacingly while your nose is running like a snotty two-year-old’s. And since we’re on the subject, I can’t imagine anyone round here ever stops to appreciate the effort I put in to dress the part.’ He hooked a finger into the neck of his dark jacket and stuck out his hideously fat tongue as if he was choking. I’ll have you know this bloomin’ Nehru collar is killing me but I might as well slouch around in my PJs all day for all the good it does me.’

  Silence filled the vast room.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re looking so smug about anyway,’ he sneered at his prisoner. ‘I sent the world a pretty simple coded message that I was going to kidnap you but no one picked up on my sinister intentions, which is incredibly disappointing for both of us, although possibly more so for you. After all, what’s the point of my being so deliciously brilliant if the rest of the world is too stupid to realise that something dastardly is about to happen?’

  He bent over his keyboard and started to type, his human eye staring intently at the screen while the other, a bulbous leathery orb, panned round jerkily.

  ‘I’m just going to give the world one more chance to join in my little game,’ he schemed. Sitting back to admire his message, he nodded smugly before pressing the ‘send’ key with an air of finality, as if he was firing a nuclear weapon. ‘Come and get me,’ he chuckled. ‘If you’re smart enough.’

  Barney was in his weekly chess club meeting so Archie had wandered alone across the school playground where he was sitting on an old bench, contemplating his Facebook message while he munched through his packed lunch.

  He didn’t share Barney’s theory that MI6 might actually be trying to contact him but he had failed to come up with any alternative explanations. What if it really had come from Newman?

  ‘Archie. Don’t turn round.’

  The voice came from over Archie’s right shoulder. He stood up automatically and spun round to see a girl wearing jeans and a leather jacket. She was a bit older than him, with pale skin and black hair pulled back into a ponytail.

  ‘Honestly,’ she said, rolling her eyes behind her long fringe. ‘Was the instruction “Don’t turn round” too cryptic for you?’

  ‘No,’ Archie said defiantly ‘I just wanted to see who you were before I did what you said.’

  The girl gave Archie a crooked smirk. ‘That sort of defeats the object a bit, doesn’t it?’

  Archie shrugged. ‘Who are you anyway?’

  ‘Agent X-ray,’ the girl whispered, pulling him behind the science block by the arm. ‘You were supposed to meet me earlier.’

  ‘Oh, that was you!’ he said, remembering the girl he’d seen at the crossroads that morning. ‘I didn’t think you looked like a secret agent.’

  ‘What do secret agents look like then?’

  ‘I don’t know …�
� Archie thought for a moment. ‘I suppose if I knew what they look like, they wouldn’t be very secret.’

  ‘Clever boy.’ As the girl laughed Archie noticed a single dimple on her left cheek.

  ‘And you’re a girl,’ Archie added quickly.

  ‘Brilliant.’ The girl clapped loudly. ‘With those powers of observation you’ll do well.’

  ‘Look, I don’t know who you are,’ Archie said firmly, ‘but I don’t think for a moment you’re a secret agent. I did come to the crossroads this morning but only because I was curious to see who was winding me up, so instead of waiting in the open I observed the meeting point discreetly.’

  ‘I see.’ The girl clicked her fingers. ‘That’s what you were doing crouching in the bushes like a toddler playing hide and seek! Here’s a little tip for you – even though you can’t see anybody when you close your eyes, everyone can still see you.’

  ‘You saw us?’

  ‘Of course I saw you. And I could hear you. I could practically smell the crisps one of you was scoffing.’

  ‘That was Barney,’ Archie admitted sheepishly. ‘He likes to keep his energy up.’

  When the girl leaned past Archie’s shoulder to peer round the corner of the science block, a waft of strawberry soap filled his nostrils. He turned to follow her gaze. About a hundred metres away a group of boys was crossing the playground towards them, passing a football among themselves.

  ‘Listen, I haven’t got time to chat,’ said the girl. ‘Those boys are coming our way and I can’t be seen with you here. Just listen to this message.’

  Archie nodded obediently, observing tiny toffee-coloured flecks in her blue eyes.

  ‘Her Majesty’s Secret Service needs your help.’ The girl’s voice was grave. ‘MI6 has a brand new team of undercover kids ready to undertake covert surveillance missions. SPADE – the Secret Potential Agent Data Evaluator – has chosen you to join the team, to become a secret agent. It could be dangerous but you will be helping to protect your country. Think about it. When you have made up your mind, text the word IN or OUT to this number.’

  The girl handed Archie a card with six digits scrawled on it.

  ‘Why me?’ he asked.

  ‘To be honest, before I met you I thought the computer had made a mistake,’ the girl admitted. ‘But now … I’m sure of it. Anyway, I’m just following orders.’

  ‘L-look,’ Archie stammered. ‘I’m really sorry about turning round …’

  The girl held a finger to her lips. ‘Memorise the number then destroy the card,’ she instructed.

  ‘Shouldn’t it self-destruct in ten seconds?’ Archie joked.

  The girl didn’t smile.

  Archie blushed and cursed himself silently.

  As the crowd of boys rounded the corner of the science block, Archie stood up straight and tried to look innocent – which only made him feel guiltier.

  ‘Wassup, Nerd?’ asked Josh Bellamy tucking the football under one arm. ‘What are you doing skulking round here?’

  ‘He’s probably doing something embarrassing,’ suggested someone, ‘like reading.’

  Ignoring the jibe, Archie glanced round to see where the girl had got to, but she was gone – as if she’d disappeared into thin air like a twist of smoke. Maybe she really was Secret Service after all, he thought. Only someone with genuine MI6 training could vanish like that. Then one of the boys moved his head slightly and Archie saw the girl scrambling up a muddy bank about fifteen metres away.

  ‘I know what you’re up to,’ laughed someone else. ‘You were having a sneaky look at your plane-spotter’s handbook, weren’t you?’

  ‘No,’ said Archie defiantly. Momentarily he considered the wisdom of explaining that he was talking to an actual spy, then he grabbed a book from his rucksack and held it up. ‘I was just brushing up on my Spanish grammar.’

  The boys laughed mockingly and pushed past Archie.

  ‘See you around, Swot,’ someone called over his shoulder and the other boys chuckled some more.

  Archie stayed where he was and studied the card in his hand.

  ‘So she said you should text the word “in” or “out” to this number?’ asked Barney.

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Archie nodded.

  ‘What do you think that means?’

  ‘Well, it is quite a riddle,’ said Archie earnestly, ‘but I think I’ve cracked it. I have to text “in” if I want to be “in” the team and “out” if I’m “out”.’

  ‘Ahh.’ Barney nodded sagely. ‘The old straightforward cipher trick. A classic double bluff.’

  The boys were changing for their after-school swimming lesson and the excited chatter of twenty budding Olympians was echoing off the changing room’s tiled walls. Barney studied the card the girl had given to Archie, running his thumb over the six digits and holding it up to the light.

  ‘What are you looking for exactly?’ asked Archie.

  ‘A secret message of some sort – maybe a code. MI6 could be using the card as a cover to pass on some sort of information, like a microfilm.’

  ‘The chances of this being from the actual MI6 are about as slim as a microfilm,’ said Archie. ‘It’s got to be some sort of elaborate hoax. Somebody is waiting for me to send a text offering my services to MI6, then they’re going to show it to the whole school and make my life a misery.’

  ‘Who would want to ridicule you like that?’

  ‘Barney I’m not exactly one of the in-crowd,’ stated Archie, snapping on his goggles. ‘I love reading and learning, I don’t play football, I don’t answer teachers back and I have a slightly nerdy obsession with aeroplanes.’

  ‘And you do look pretty geeky,’ Barney added helpfully.

  ‘Yes, thank you.’ Archie laughed. ‘I think most of the kids at this school would love to poke fun at me. An awful lot of them would like to poke a sharp stick at me.’

  The changing room fell silent as the rotund figure of Mr Crawley appeared.

  ‘This is supposed to be a swimming lesson, not a WI meeting,’ he bellowed. ‘Ten extra lengths of butterfly for the last boy in that pool!’

  ‘I think there’s still a chance you’re being recruited by MI6,’ Barney whispered as they scampered past their swimming coach.

  ‘Think what you like,’ Archie said, curling his toes over the edge of the pool. ‘I’m not buying it.’

  ‘He’s not buying it,’ Agent X-ray reported, slouching back in the leather chair in front of Helen Highwater’s desk. ‘He’s going to need further persuasion.’

  ‘I think you’d better take a look at this.’ Highwater handed Agent X-ray a sheet of paper. ‘It’s a new message from our Evil Mastermind’s website. It was posted at lunchtime but it’s only just been decoded – Cipher Branch had to prioritise other tasks apparently.’

  The girl scanned the text then looked up anxiously at Highwater and Holden Grey.

  ‘There’s a time for persuasion and a time for action,’ offered Grey, folding his arms resolutely. ‘And this is definitely one of those times.’

  ‘Which?’ asked Agent X-ray.

  ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘Which one is it a time for?’

  ‘Do keep up, X-ray. It’s a time for action.’

  ‘We’ll never get to him in time,’ said Agent X-ray.

  ‘We won’t, but our boys in blue will,’ Highwater stated.

  ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘It’s for his own protection,’ Highwater said, picking up her phone. ‘But I’m going to have Richard Hunt arrested.’

  ‘So how was swimming?’ Richard Hunt asked, keeping his eyes trained on the winding road ahead.

  ‘Fine,’ Archie replied vacantly, fiddling with the stereo in his father’s black Audi A5. Settling for Radio 1, he turned his head and watched the forest whip past the window.

  ‘And school?’ Richard tweaked the volume down a couple of notches. ‘Anything exciting happen today?’

  Archie wondered if he should mention the girl claim
ing to be an MI6 agent.

  ‘Not really,’ he said.

  ‘What were you doing in maths?’

  ‘Can’t remember.’

  ‘What did you get up to at lunchtime?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Have you given much thought to becoming a spy?’ said Richard casually.

  Archie jumped. He turned to look at his father, who was concentrating impassively on his driving. Did he know about the girl claiming to be from MI6? Maybe she was genuine after all, and his father had used his old military contacts to get him recruited. Dismissing this thought immediately, Archie desperately hoped his father hadn’t sussed the embarrassing fact that he was almost certainly being picked on at school.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Archie asked innocently, trying to quell the note of panic in his voice.

  ‘I’ve been interrogating you about your day for the last ten minutes and you’ve given absolutely nothing away.’ Richard smiled briefly. ‘I know plenty of hardened field agents who would have cracked by now.’

  Archie beamed with amusement and relief. ‘Sorry Dad,’ he said. ‘There’s just not much to report. I had double maths followed by double English, lunch on my own – without talking to anyone at all whatsoever – and in the afternoon I had French and double physics, then swimming. That’s about it.’

  Glancing at his son, Richard Hunt said, ‘No more trouble from that Newman boy this week?’

  ‘Actually …’ Archie took a deep breath. ‘The other day after school we did sort of have a bit of a … fight.’

  ‘A fight!’

  ‘I didn’t start it. He was waiting for Barney and me after class with a gang of his mates. Two of them mashed Barney and Newman attacked me.’

  ‘Are you OK?’ Archie’s father asked, concerned.

  ‘Yeah, Dad. I’m fine,’ Archie said. ‘That’s the weird thing. When Newman came at me it was as if some strange force took over my body – like I’d morphed into the Karate Kid or something. I blocked like a dozen punches, then I flattened him with this awesome kick. It was … a bit freaky actually.’

  ‘Sounds like you need to be careful with your powers,’ Richard said gravely.

  ‘Powers?’ Archie exclaimed. ‘You make me sound like Clark Kent. All I did was knock over a bully.’